there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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