i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
