i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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