I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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