I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
