Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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