I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
