I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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