So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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