Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
