It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
