i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize