i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
