Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
