I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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