No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize