i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
