Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
