How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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