Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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