Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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