Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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