I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
