I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
i've created a new STD.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Randomize
