I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize