I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
