I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
