i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
