There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
