She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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