You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
