I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
