Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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