mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
