a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
