the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
