I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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