What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
