it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
And then he peed in my hair
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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