so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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