Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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