every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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