I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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