hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
