fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
