just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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