I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
