so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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