I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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