I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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