Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
