Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
