Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize