areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
