just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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