Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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